The Bottom Five

In response to this rather silly Worst of All Time list, here are five artists I think belong in rock's hall of shame. And I haven't started on annoying novelty acts like Joe Dolce.

Phil Collins
He was okay when he was merely the drummer of the best of the 70s crop of prog-rock bands. But then he spent the next decade dismissing the music he himself had made the decade before, while releasing turgid albums of maudlin ballads and dreadful watered-down soul covers that sold in lorry-loads to people with no taste called Kevin. And he took the 'credit' for turning that same sublime prog-rock bands from the 70s into one of the worst examples of bland, corporate stadium rock, sold to those same Kevins.

Sledgehammer
The New Wave of British Heavy Metal gave the world Iron Maiden, Def Leppard, and, er, Saxon. There were a vast number of other bands in the 'scene', including this lot from my home town, Slough. I felt I had to support them as our local heroes, and for a while I was in denial over just how bad this talentless 'power trio' were. I even endured them live three times. The last time I saw them play, in the Student Union of what was then Slough College of Further Education, the venue burned down a few hours later in the middle of the night, presumably to stop them ever coming back.

Boney M
Rah Rah Rasputin! Russia's greatest Sex Machine! Brought to you by the same people that were later to give us Milli Vanilli. Do they represent the grimmest barrel-scrapings of 70s disco, or the primordial ancestors of Euro-Cheese? Not exactly Germany's finest contribution to global culture.

The Smiths
The English music press, so long the enemies of all that's good in music, have an official policy that the sun shines out of Morrisey's backside. If I read one more hagiographical article declaring that pop music is dead because no-one can beat the 'perfection' of The Smiths, I'm going to throw up.

Rod Stewart
Rumour has it there was once, in ancient days when men were men and beer was one-and-six a pint, a time when Rod Stewart was a significant rock artist rather than a horrible cheesy self-parody. If there was such a time, it was before mine. There is a special circle of hell dedicated to anyone that can release a record quite as awful as his "D'ya think I'm sexy". During the 70s he was a tax exile in America, and stated that he would return to Britain if the Tories won the election and lowered taxes. This gave rise to the election slogan "Vote Labour to keep Rod Stewart out!". An argument for why we should never have allowed Hadrian's Wall to fall into disrepair.